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Drafted February 12, 2016

You’ve got 10 minutes. Just write.

Write about the love you wish for and the love the priest spoke about at mass.  A portrait of love is what you envision but getting there is another journey in itself.  Which way is left right, up, or down, I just don’t know.  The Father said that lent is about Love of Other, yourself, and god. Alms, Fasting, and Prayer.  You wonder how you’ll do it, how you’ll be a better catholic, a better person. Listen, learn, and grow.  “Don’t need to be scared”
Is it red? Is it blue?

I think I know what I want but then again I’m afraid to admit that to HIM, myself, or anyone else.  How to get past that? Don’t wait. Waiting too long.  My fears gnaw at me, forget the recesses of my mind, but along the dark walls calling out the potential, the worst case, the heart wrenching potential that things don’t go your way. My way.

Let’s be friends.  How long can we play that game? Show some affection, no? It’s that easy, no? Don’t wait. Why hesitate? I’m never sure what to do, and I think back and think of what I should have could have done differently.  It is what it is; there is no going back but what about next time? I don’t want to run out of time.  I don’t want to let anyone else swoop in and give the affection that I’m dieing to give. I couldn’t take it. My heart couldn’t take it. Commit to be that person, the affection giver, the intimate, the lover.  Make it me.  Choose me.

Still there are questions or am I blocking my blessings.  It’s right here, in my hands, in my lap, in my face.  Am I asking the wrong questions?  How do I steer the conversation in the right direction? Focused conversation.  Let’s get to the Heart of the Matter.  How can I feel so good when I’m with you and doing nothing but talking and laughing.  Preserve it, keep it safe, I’ll be the safe, you keep the key. We could be unstoppable together. Is it all in my mind.  Istn’t that where everything starts?  Love is built in the mind.  Why not choose love, here? With him? And HIM? Seeking guidance and affection, I pray to see what I need to see and listen to what that teaches me.  Are my blinders on?

Emergency Contact

Drafted July 12, 2016

Sirens blaring/ lights flashing/ EMT asking

“Ma’am are you okay?”

“Is there someone you can call?”

Someone you can call?

Someone you can call?

Someone you can call…

Who you gonna call? When there’s an emergency.  Who can pick you up when you’re down on your knees? Elbows scratched, knees scraped, she might need stitches but otherwise she’s safe,

We’ll keep her overnight for observation but yes thank you for coming forward

Who’s going to be there when you wake?

Who’s the name on your sheet?

Jane Doe you are not but it can feel like that.

Who do you have?  Who’s your emergency contact?

Settled in your sheets, they moved you to another room, the girl nearby has been humming some tune

She’s fidgety, alert, the opposite picture of you but when someone bounds through the door she’s suddenly calm. The energy exhange is clear.

Who’s your catalyst? Who’ll be there to pick up your energy or mellow you out? Who’ll be bounding through the door for you?

Tears

Where do tears come from? Welling inside from some unknown spout. You can feel it coming but you don’t know why. Pressure behind the eyes. Sniffling before you realize you started, nose releasing in time with your eyes. How did it effect you so? Why did it?

Happiness, sadness, despair, loneliness. 

Fear, anger, excitement, awe.

Most of all… love. 

Love makes us cry sometimes. Love for yourself. Love for one another. Love for truth maybe Love for the liar.

No matter why we cry it’s part of our human makeup. And though we may question it when it comes, there’s a message in our tears. Let it clear our page and cleanse our sight. Until we can go back to shining our light.

In the dark

This world can be a very dark place. Shine your light. We can’t help but hear all the negative that occurs here. Shine your light. We’ve been accustomed to bearing the pain for his sake, your sake. Shine your light. Stay strong for him, him, and him? Is it worth it? Shine your light. When the sadness is too much. When the tears are not enough. Shine your light.When despair turns to anger. Shine your light. When revenge looks so sweet you can almost taste it. Shine your light. In the dark recesses you plot and you plan, imagine and revise. Shine your light. When you beat yourself up, tear yourself down. Shine your light. When you feel alone. Shine your light. When the devil temps you in that dark. Shine your light. 

Shine your light.

Shine your light.

Shine your light.

… and then share it.

Fear Fight

I move to click the little orange plus sign in the corner. A new post, a fresh start. A new idea, a new message to the universe. It’s not about who is listening. It’s about getting it out of your head and on paper, no?

Before I start I notice 3 drafts not posted but recall the enthusiasm I had while writing. Why didn’t I post this? Maybe it wasn’t ready or pretty? I scroll down further. More drafts. I scroll down further. More drafts.  

In love with the start but not with the finish. Is it a high? elation? for something brand new? Apparently I’m not finishing what I’m starting. Is it just me? How does that phrase go? Progress now, Perfection never. 

Time to let it go. It’ll never be perfect. 

So in true form, I’m going to start something new and fresh, and challenge myself to post all of my draft posts by the end of the year. December 31, 2016 11:59:59 PM (or 23:59:59).  

Consider this my fear fight.

Progress now, perfection never?

The illusive pen…

When you want to write but cannot find a pen in your bag. I always have a pen in my bag, specifically for this reason. To write when I’m inspired to get my thoughts on paper.  I’m old school in that sense. l don’t take to the blog enough because my pen and paper is what gives me energy. 

When you can’t write fast enough for the thoughts are coming too quickly. 

When your inclinations to correct are shut down in order to get it out. 

That’s what matters. Not perfect – never perfect – but necessary. No use in holding it in. Let it out. Stop bottling up your creativity. Stop holding yourself in, tying your hands. 

Let your hands bend slightly at the wrist. Let your thumb and forefinger guide your writing instrument as your middle finger plays their supportrole. Let this partnership glide across the page letting the magic spew forth.  

Keep writing.

Yet sometimes the magic comes in a different way. Writing on apps, blogs, electronic notes,etc. that’s the new wave of creative outlets. At the end of the day, use what you have. 

Nothing can stop us. 

Nothing can stop you. 

Not even the illusive pen.

Keep writing.