Drafted February 12, 2016
You’ve got 10 minutes. Just write.
Write about the love you wish for and the love the priest spoke about at mass. A portrait of love is what you envision but getting there is another journey in itself. Which way is left right, up, or down, I just don’t know. The Father said that lent is about Love of Other, yourself, and god. Alms, Fasting, and Prayer. You wonder how you’ll do it, how you’ll be a better catholic, a better person. Listen, learn, and grow. “Don’t need to be scared”
Is it red? Is it blue?
I think I know what I want but then again I’m afraid to admit that to HIM, myself, or anyone else. How to get past that? Don’t wait. Waiting too long. My fears gnaw at me, forget the recesses of my mind, but along the dark walls calling out the potential, the worst case, the heart wrenching potential that things don’t go your way. My way.
Let’s be friends. How long can we play that game? Show some affection, no? It’s that easy, no? Don’t wait. Why hesitate? I’m never sure what to do, and I think back and think of what I should have could have done differently. It is what it is; there is no going back but what about next time? I don’t want to run out of time. I don’t want to let anyone else swoop in and give the affection that I’m dieing to give. I couldn’t take it. My heart couldn’t take it. Commit to be that person, the affection giver, the intimate, the lover. Make it me. Choose me.
Still there are questions or am I blocking my blessings. It’s right here, in my hands, in my lap, in my face. Am I asking the wrong questions? How do I steer the conversation in the right direction? Focused conversation. Let’s get to the Heart of the Matter. How can I feel so good when I’m with you and doing nothing but talking and laughing. Preserve it, keep it safe, I’ll be the safe, you keep the key. We could be unstoppable together. Is it all in my mind. Istn’t that where everything starts? Love is built in the mind. Why not choose love, here? With him? And HIM? Seeking guidance and affection, I pray to see what I need to see and listen to what that teaches me. Are my blinders on?