Tis Better to Be Alone

“Statement or Question… You decide”

So… I’ll let you in on a little secret. Although I’d been thinking about it a long time, I bit the bullet and relocated to Barbados earlier this year. It’s only temporary but I’ve always wanted to live somewhere new (and get away from the treacherous North East Winters). Given how this winter went I couldn’t have timed it better if I had tried. Anyway, I kind of went into action mode once I decided and didn’t think to share my “news”. After all, I live alone, I work remotely, I speak to everyone via video or phone and I didn’t think anyone would notice (tbh). The other part of it was simply not knowing what to share anymore.

I heavily dislike social media and since it feels like social media is only for highlights I didn’t think this counted. I think we get caught up and celebrate the wrong thing. “Oh my God, you’re moving to paradise” felt weird to hear because, well, it’s just me. My paradise, my bliss, is amongst my family and friends and they’re not here so I hesitate to see the image that comes to everyone’s minds. But this post is not about that.

This post is a what would you rather question that came up while I was floating around the pool just now. Yes, you can roll your eyes. I didn’t have to mention the pool but just because I miss my family doesn’t mean I’m not going to enjoy my right now. Okurrt!

So, the Pandemic we’re living in, is still very much real. While I’ve been here I’ve overheard three different couples arguing. Some more than others. To be clear they sound impassioned but not threatening if that makes sense. I also recognize that 1. being stuck with your significant other is a challenge many of us did not realize would be a challenge until the pandemic, and 2. couples argue over things that only make sense to that couple.

One couple in particular was just arguing while I was in the pool and I thought hmm what could the issue be? Unfortunately I could not glean any tidbits but many an f bomb were dropped! It wasn’t until it sounded like one of the couple was about to walk out that I thought of that weird interaction when you’ve been explosive/honest/angry/vulnerable and realize someone unrelated has just witnessed it. Do you avert your eyes? Do you pretend the other isn’t there? Do you “mind your business” as my niece would say? Lol

What would you do?

I thought about the discomfort I’ve felt in the past or heard from others. That spongebob meme comes to mind when you’re waiting until your friend finishes getting yelled at by their parent.

It can be super awkward but in a state of blissful disregard I figured I wouldn’t avert my eyes or look away. I would see what the person needed. I wouldn’t say anything. I’m an observer after all but I would pay attention to what the person is seeking. I’d look for their emotion. You can learn a lot looking someone in their eyes. Would I find shame, regret, anger, disregard? Sadly the person never came out, I think they went to a different room. Boo right? I wanted to know what was going on too.

Still, I realized that regardless of the fight and the argument and the emotions in the moment, when you are able to cool down and think with a focused mind there’s a question you need to ask yourself. I think this applies to everyone coupled or not. After a fight, a frustration, a discontent that pushes your buttons you’ve got to ask yourself: “Tis better to be alone?” The answer may be as simple as a change in punctuation. “Tis better to be alone.” but often times you’ll find that the fight is not worth being apart. It is for you to decide though.

One couple fights and makes up regularly, the others I’m unsure of but I’ll continue listening while I’m here. I think people are interesting. It would be interesting to ask how they’d answer the question but I haven’t crossed that line y’all. Here’s what I do think: anything worth fighting for means you’ll have to fight for it, just be clear what you’re fighting for.

❤

What my to do list taught me about me…

Firstly, Welcome to 2021, and

Happy New Year!! 🥳

I learned last week about the D-List (from theSkimm). Technically it’s a to-do list planning tool but really it’s just a great way to frame the tasks in your day.

How it works:

You break down your tasks into 3 categories: Doing, Dealing, and Dreaming.

• Doing is the stuff you have to get done.
• Dealing is the stuff you should get done.
• Dreaming is the stuff that excites or inspires you.

Simple enough right? Try it out for a few days and see what you find.

I did for several days and found patterns that made me pause. Here’s my experience:

The first thing I find amusing and telling is that when I was sharing this method with others I kept forgetting what the second D stood for. That second D, Dealing were the things I felt obligated to do: washing dishes and laundry, all the cleaning really, preparing meals, organizing my space. The second D is the area that gives me little joy. Don’t get me wrong I love the after of fresh sheets on the bed and a delicious meal I’ve prepared myself but the Dealing is not my favorite. Dealing can mean “taking measures concerning (someone or something), especially with the intention of putting something right”. That would then mean something was wrong which needed putting right and that for me has a negative connotation. Maybe that’s also why I like it the least.

What goes into your three will be different. I shared what goes into my second D but let’s jump back to my first D – Doing. This for me is my work for my employer. The sure shot things. At work I know exactly what I need to do and it comes with a paycheck when it’s done. Here, I am accountable to a team, a department, an organization. In this category are the things I can’t let fall through the cracks because I don’t want to disappoint. There’s pride here on getting things done. There’s also certainty here, I don’t have to think so much here. Notice that I feel accountable to others. I realized doing is the easy thing to do, it doesn’t require much of me in the way of challenge but it does demand the most of my time. What little then do I leave for myself?

This leads me to my 3rd D – my dreaming, the areas of push and pull that allow me creativity and fuel my energy. Why then do I leave it until I am exhausted at the end of the day? Why do I reach for it last? One thing Dreaming showed me is that I put off the pleasure of creating, the weight of deciding my next steps, because that is harder and requires more of me. To put yourself first is an act of selfishness in many ways since it is even more so an act of self preservation. It’s not always easy.

So! I learned some things and like anytime I learn something new I decide what to do with it. Some things I file away, others I keep top of mind to practice with and lastly other information I use to do better because I now know better. For now I will continue examining how I prioritize my day, to investigate my placement in my value chart – how to be accountable to myself, and to start doing the things that fuel me first! Let’s see how that goes.

What do you think of the D-List? Also what would you rename the second D? 😁

I hate Instagram…

I realize why Instagram doesn’t work for me. I’m a heavy thinker. I’m always looking at the big picture, the bigger picture, how we got to where we are. Instagram is meant to be instant, a fleeting few seconds (if you’re lucky).

Words are my friends, creating pictures with words are my skill and desire. It’s pointless in the Instagram space no? Everyone is TLDR. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Even this feels like an exercise in conciseness.

In truth, I’m sad that Chadwick Boseman has died. I don’t think a repost of his picture is enough for him, but it’s more than that. It’s unexpected loss, it’s recognizing time, it’s battling our assumptions of “when” and yet I feel like I don’t have the words. 🥺

🙅🏾‍♀️