The illusive pen…

When you want to write but cannot find a pen in your bag. I always have a pen in my bag, specifically for this reason. To write when I’m inspired to get my thoughts on paper.  I’m old school in that sense. l don’t take to the blog enough because my pen and paper is what gives me energy. 

When you can’t write fast enough for the thoughts are coming too quickly. 

When your inclinations to correct are shut down in order to get it out. 

That’s what matters. Not perfect – never perfect – but necessary. No use in holding it in. Let it out. Stop bottling up your creativity. Stop holding yourself in, tying your hands. 

Let your hands bend slightly at the wrist. Let your thumb and forefinger guide your writing instrument as your middle finger plays their supportrole. Let this partnership glide across the page letting the magic spew forth.  

Keep writing.

Yet sometimes the magic comes in a different way. Writing on apps, blogs, electronic notes,etc. that’s the new wave of creative outlets. At the end of the day, use what you have. 

Nothing can stop us. 

Nothing can stop you. 

Not even the illusive pen.

Keep writing.

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Dating: Hope and Death

Although I thought I could just get away with existing now there’s this whole idea of companionship I’m being faced with. As great as life has been there’s a companionship that is lackign with my girlfriends that only a boyfriend/fiancee/husband can provide.  That leads me to this post I’ve loving titled – Dating:Hope and Death.  Am I being melodramatic?  Lol

So as dating becomes another inevitable part of my life I’m forced to deal with the repercussions of “putting yourself out there”, “getting out of your comfort zone”, and “you  know? flirt a little”.  Jesus take the wheel!

It seems simple enough, meet someone, go on a date, find your forever friend/companion.  I swear I’m not talking about a new puppy!  Still, the breakdown to this process is a little more involved when you’re actually in it.  Meeting someone new is not the hard part, a lot of times it’s the finding someone you connect with or are attracted to and then the trigger being pulled where numbers are exchanged.  Yet the torture doesn’t end there.  Number exchange may be simple enough but then you’re waiting on the nubmer to be used.  *le sigh*

Hey maybe it’s me and my insecurities but 1. we all have them, and 2. I’m just being honest about mine.  you never really know what he’s thinking!  I think that I am reading his body cues all wrong.  Maybe I was projecting my excitement and attraction and he was actually giving me a stush face and not a smile.  Maybe when I said I would give him my number he actually said “No thanks” and not “Okay”.  Maybe it’s just me!

A few weeks ago I saw an instagram meme that read: “I met a guy” then 2 days later “Nevermind”.  I laughed and cried internally when I read it, why? because that is the unfortunate truth sometimes and although it is not the end of the world it can be heartbreaking to acknowledge that every time you meet someone that you would like to get to know better they may be a dud.  The sad part is two fold.

1. The instantaneous future that arises in your (read: my) mind about what the two of us could be.  All the great qualities that you (think) you’ve perceived and can assemble in a list if anyone wants to talk about it.  The giddy feeling you get rerunning the conversation you had together and the smiles you shared with each other.  So quickly you’re ready to see where this could go, the HOPE is strong.  And. Then.

2. The instantaneous combustion of hope that is the future and potential you thought you had when the sparks don’t fly, when you find out he’s actually in a relationship, or when he doesn’t call.  Maybe he lost your number.  Maybe he is a jerk. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be and the man upstairs is setting you up for what’s right for you.  All that hope is gone without warning and like DEATH it hurts to be on the other end of it. Every. Time.

Adulting

Written May 7, 2016

First off, who puts an empty can of salmon to soak?  I just stopped washing two sink loads of dishes to write this.  Isn’t it Virginia Wolfe who said she felt that writing went through her and when the winds came she had to get to a piece of paper right away and get it out otherwise it would leave her?  I got that from a Ted Talk btw I did not read that in my research of Virginia Wolfe.  I’ve also never researched Virginia Wolfe so this already feels misleading… Moving on!

Adulting.

What the heck is adulting?

The meme “I don’t want to adult today” is funny because it speaks to us adults who are in an age where we realize more and more that people are adulting – getting things done – doing what they have to do… and ENJOYING it. Lies! Who do you know that enjoys adulting? Who doesn’t want to spend a day watching Lifetime movies (or cartoons, your pick) and get called down when your afternoon pancakes are ready? Lol  We may not enjoy the tasks but maybe the joy comes from the sense of accomplishment you feel once you’ve done what needed to be done!
My favorite Ted talk has to be Mel Robbins’ How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over (link below) because one thing she said that struck me the most was that when we turn a certain age we have to parent ourselves.  The light bulb went off. It all suddenly made sense – as dumb and cliche as that sounds.  All I needed to know was that hey, the only person standing between you and that pile of papers you’ve been meaning to get to is you.  It’s not just going to happen, you have to make it happen.

I always thought that routine was something that happened to you.  It just fell into place one day.  You know you have to get up, get ready, commute to work, work, commute back, and get ready for bed, then do it all again.  Ok great, throw a couple food times in there, do laundry every now and again and boom you’re an adult with a routine.  Not so easy, or true.  The routine some of us – I won’t mention any names – fall into is, get up LATE, get ready in a hurry, can’t find that shirt you wanted to wear, don’t know where your left boot is, darn it you were supposed to do laundry on Sunday, run for your train… again, get to work, forget to eat, run out of work because you can’t wait to commute again and distance yourself from the work, and then slump on the couch, eat your one meal of the day (too late, I should add) and think about all the things you SHOULD do to prepare for the next day but instead you throw on your PJs (maybe maybe not) and fall asleep to start it all again.  Does that sound like someone you know?

Last weekend I declined a fun filled day of debauchery, I mean, traipsing around NYC: brunch in Brooklyn, day party in uptown Manhattan, drinking all day, etc. so I could do some adulting.  Like I legit messaged my friend to say, hey, I’m gonna stay in and do some adulting this weekend.  The truth was, I was working the week, doing what I needed for my job but not taking the steps to advance myself to the next stages of life.  What did I do while adulting? I cleaned, I ordered things on the internet that I meant to go to the store and get, I separated laundry, researched products I needed, and addressed my finances, setting up payments for the next month, checking balances, budgeting for vacations.  I only made a dent in what I felt I needed to do BUT I felt good about it.  Why? Because it needed to be done, it was weighing on me and at the end of the day, no one else is going to do it.

So I leave you now to return to the butt load of dishes/pots/utensils/lunch containers – even the butcher knife! (It’s gotten really bad if someone took out the butcher knife for something.  I can almost guarantee you it was to cut some cheese and whoever it was just didn’t want to wash a knife -__-) …but yes, I go back to cleaning this mess, not because I want to but because it need’s to get done.  My house of adults has decided they don’t want to adult today so I will. And I will continue to do so more consistently so I can learn to adult and relish in my accomplishments!

Happy Adulting!

Wait a minute… That’s not how the story goes!

So it hit me today that I’m really single. Not like dating for fun, FWB on the side, lazy hook up single like single single.

And it’s not so fun
(anymore)
(today)
(period).

I guess I should preface this by saying I’m uber hormonal at the moment and thus have a valid excuse for self pity but that’s just another one of God’s gifts – being able to explain away any potential sadness. 

Why do I feel this way? Because I am utterly alone – at least that’s how it feels.  It’s weird! I have great friends, and amazing family. I’m never at a loss for things to do, people to celebrate, or places to visit. I enjoy being free to do as I please but if I think about it… 🎤

“I have no body to call my own… Ooooo”

This hook up culture seems to be working for some folks but it just comes off seedy to me. I know one person in particular that’ll tell me to give up the fairy tale but how can I? There’s got to be some truth to it, no?

The dilemma: The people I want don’t want me and the people that want me I don’t want.  Sound familiar? I know I’m not alone there, smh. No fair! Add to that the mix of situationships everyone seems to be in and it’s like taking on another job just to keep track. How do people make the time? Meanwhile no one even knows what their situation is –

“We’re just hanging out”

Please Stop ✋! Hanging out is what you did in middle school. No one can make a freaking decision anymore. 😒

So now what? 

Well… nothing. I get over it.
I watch a sappy movie or Miss Congeniality 👑 (hahaha! #MissUniverse) and call it a night.  I’m pretty awesome after all so I’ll be back to looking for my fairytale tomorrow.

Just telling it like it is (for me at least).
And uhh…Judge me not, everyone has their moments.

Peace and Love,
K

I’m supposed to be writing a novel.

NaNoWriMo or NaNoWri No?

I’m supposed to be writing a novel.

NaNoWriMo is National Novel Writing Month. You basically blitz write for a month battling your never ending inner critic and get yourself a pre-pre-draft to revise into an actual novel (if you stick with it).  You also get to award yourself immense credit for having accomplished a feat of 50,000 words in a short period of time.

I’ve been telling people all about it in the hopes that it’ll help me get into drive and focus on my writing. When they ask how it’s going I’ll have a response I want to give, right? Well, not where I currently stand I won’t. 

We’re at the start of week two and I should have about 13,336 words on my page to be on target for my 50,000 word win.  I have a whopping…

*drumroll please*

… 987! What? Like, I’m not even trying and I wonder what is holding me back.  I know WHO is holding me back. *raises hand* That would be me.  But knowing who doesn’t explain why. 

Who knew fighting to write meant fighting yourself even before you get to the page!!

Sunshine Kate

There once was a girl named Kate. Everywhere she went the sun followed. In the morning when she woke, it reached beneath the blinds. When she went for her bath, it tapped at the windows until her mother opened it up. At breakfast, it waited at the side door for her to come out and play.

One day the sun went away,

and Kate was sad.

She’d been sad before the sun went away, and was sadder once it had.

The cloud came to see her then. A dark gray cloud. And he followed her as the sun had. When she awoke. When she bathed. During and after breakfast. Something had changed!

Soon the lighting joined in and the storm cloud grew. It was so intense, no one knew what to do. So she did what she hadn’t in her life thus far and she cried and screamed til you could hear it from afar. Come back to me sunshine, this despair I can’t do. Come be my friend once again, I’m sorry I was a fool. I was angry and wary and I pushed you away but I’ve always hoped that you’d never go astray.

Stay with me sunshine, through the good and the bad.

Stay with me sunshine, I don’t want to be sad.

And the thunder quieted and the lightning flashed low. The storm cloud released it’s darkness and the light began to show! But still there was no sun and she yearned for the burn.

She said sorry that night, to the cloud in her way, and asked that he pass the message along if he’d stay. She knew the sun could hear her and she wanted him to. Don’t leave me dear sunshine, I’ll be here for you.

That night she went to bed with hope in her heart that the sun would get her message and again they could start. She closed her eyes and tried not to cry and wished good things on all in their time.

What awoke her the next morning was something warm and something bright. The sun had burst past the shades and blinded her with light. She couldn’t believe her luck and her gratitude she did share. Thank you for coming back to me! Then he said

I’ve always been here.

Live Life Music – Last Time by Nico and Vinz

nico&vinz

I’ve been meaning to pick up this album by the duo Nico & Vinz who made us feel amazing last summer with their smash hit “Am I Wrong?”.  This track off of their Black Star Elephant album is one I heard recently and I’m excited to pick the album up tonight on my way home.  Enjoy this track with me!

*Disclaimer: I actually listen to physical CDs in my car, and go to stores to pick them up – call me old school!